In That Dream

Hi.

I met you in a dream last night. You were the same guy I have known for the past 5 years. Same old guy. You were joking and teasing me, never fail to make me laugh my fullest like how you always did.

In that dream, we were walking by the beach. You were wearing that white Renoma Tee and that gray shorts. You smelled all Drakkar Noir by Guy Laroche. You were holding my hands. With bright eyes, you smiled at me, showing off your dimples. Yes. Dimples. Those dimples that would always always make me cringe and would make my stomach flip. Your half smile.. The John Mayer smile that would always just turn me on like a light bulb.

In that dream, as we were strolling by the beach, as we were laughing, you made the most romantic move. You pulled me to your body and just… kissed me on my forehead with that smile on your lips. I had Goosebumps. The every hair on my body just stand. I feel you in that instant. Then, from my forehead, slowly.. you kissed the tip of my nose with that smile on your lips again. Then.. again.. as slowly as a ballerina on the musical box dances, you took your time and kissed my lips.

In that dream, you told me how precious I am to you. Like a treasure box that you would never want to lose. You told me that I am the only one in your eyes and you lips belongs to me and only me alone. Then you wrapped your arms around me and it felt like eternity. I smelled you and at that moment, I question myself “what would I do without you?” I don’t know. I really don’t. All I know was that, I would never ever want to lose you. I never want to lose you. Ever.

Then, the most unthinkable thing happened. My alarm clock just woke me up. I opened my eyes and realized that I was in a pool of tears. I cried so badly while being in my dreams. At that very moment, I know that I miss you more than I would admit. I miss you calling me every night. I miss you texting me telling me all kinds of stupid stuffs you’ve done. I miss you teasing me. I miss you teaching me new stuffs. I miss you telling me things that you’ve read all day long. I miss you telling me how much time that you’ve spent in front of your computer youtubing. I miss you calling me names. I miss you telling me you miss me. And I miss you calling me baby.

If I could turn back the time, I would make things right. I would trade my 3 years with Mr. Playboy for you. I would turn back to 5 years ago and approach you first when you’re feeling so insecure about yourself. I would do all I can to get to you. In my quiet time, I often would think that what if I traded my 3 years to be with you, will we still be together now? Will we be happy? Or will we still be what we are today?

Today, I stalked you on Facebook. You look so happy with her in that picture and I had mixed feelings about that. I’m so glad that you’re happy but at the same time, I’m so hurt that I’m not the one who’s standing by your side. Deep down, I secretly wish that I’m her.

I thought I’ve let you go completely. But who am I fooling? Deep down within me, I still miss you terribly and every single phone call that I get, I secretly still wish that it’s you.

What’s on my mind?

A lot. A lot. And I mean it once again.. Like A LOOOTTT. Haven’t been journaling for quite some time and today, just so suddenly, I thought about something that has in some ways, impacted me.

“Girls are replaceable. No one is irreplaceable”

Yeapppp. As heck as that sounds like, I heard my ONCE significant other told me this. In another words, he was trying to tell me, “YOU’RE REPLACEABLE, BABY”. Wow. Harsh? You bet! When he said that, my eyes almost got separated from my head and my heart fell as if I’ve been pushed down from Burj Khalifa – the tallest building in Dubai.

                                                         Burj Khalifa in Dubai

Instantly, I asked him in disbelieve, “Huh? What? Why do you think so?” His answer to me was “Easy. Nobody is indispensable. Not even in a company. Not even anybody”. “But I’m NOT your company or your employee. I’m your other half. Your girlfriend”, I said. To this, his reply was, “Same thing.” And that hurt me a lot and kept me thinking so much my head began to ache. I thought I needed Paracetamol. For God’s sake, I can’t believe what I just heard and worst part? I can’t believe that came out of my other half’s own mouth. Yea, it stung me like no other. At that very moment, I knew that we wouldn’t last. Wouldn’t even last till the end of the year to be exact. Well, after all, I’m REPLACEABLE and I don’t want to be.

                                                         Beyonce - Irrecplaceable

But this other half of mine, was a John Mayer.

                                                                My John Mayer

During our dating days, we would drive through the night and spend the night just talking, laughing and so madly into each other till dawn. He would often drive me around town and outskirts of town just to spend more time with me. He would often stop the car by the road and just hug me and just randomly sing to me. Yes, he sang to me with that half smile that would just kill me off just like that. He was the apple of my eyes and the very heartbeat of my heart. Those little cute dimples on his face every single time when he smiled at me. I loved his cheeky smile, his stupid jokes that would just crack me up like a light bulb. I couldn't stay mad at him, not even for a minute. Often times, I would be angry and laugh at his stupid jokes at the same time. Ok, I don’t even know how I did that, but that was the case. He was my Confuse, my headache, my heartbeat my everything. My everything. I love everything about this guy.

Sweet isn’t it? Yea, as everyone knows. Things with John Mayer never happens. At least, not yet for now. Same goes to my ONCE significant other. He was my John Mayer. Things ended very quickly with him but yet, the thought of him still carves a smile on my face. To think that I am REPLACEABLE to him, it hurts. Even till this day. Girls, remember this. Either a guy appreciates you or you can hold the door fully open for him to walk out. You are worth more than “REPLACEABLE ITEM”. You’re not an item. You’re a girl. A lady. A woman. There may be a lot of girls, ladies and women on this planet earth. But there will always be only ONE you! You’re unique, beautiful and everything a guy would die for. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re REPLACEABLE because you’re not. And to top it all, your presence on this planet earth makes a big difference in the life of the people around you. So you are IRREPLACEABLE.

                                                                    IRREPLACEABLE

As for my once John Mayer, my best friend (though we don’t really talk anymore), I wish the best for you and your now significant other.

x

Trust. Honesty.

People always say

"FIRST LOVE, DIE HARD"

Well to me,

"FIRST LOVE, NEVER DIES"

NEVER DIES

NEVER DIES

NEVER DIES..

WHY?

The question lingers without a solid answer.

Many times, I often tell myself

"MOVE ON. CHAPTER CLOSES. BOOK SAYS THE END"

But often, I look back and well, sometimes, I still shed some tears. LOL!

As silly as it sounds, I feel like a fool still crying over an old and unworthy love.

Then I often find myself asking why do I still linger the old love?

Answers is that, because of the time, effort, feelings and tears I've spent throughout the relationship.

I remember telling myself that even if I have to take the bullet or grenade on behalf of him, I would.

I realized that I have loved too much. Too much that I lose myself in the midst of loving him.

That was how much I loved him that has resulted in me FORGETTING to love myself.

Girls, yes, love can be addictive and powerful.

But don't be a fool in love where you tend to love so much and lose yourself in the midst of everything.

Feelings will last, just for a brief moment.

TRUST. HONESTY.

Is what most important in a relationship.

No, I'm not a relationship/love guru.

But I definitely am I who have been hurt so badly

without

TRUST. HONESTY.

Love yourself. You will tend to love more <3

Beautiful and I

Beautiful. Girls.

Two words that are impossible to be separated. Many of us girls, we would do anything to look beautiful. Some say "There are no ugly girls. Just lazy girls"

It's true.

How far can you define the word "Beautiful"? Here are some examples:

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.

For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed; never throw out anyone.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of each of your arms.

As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives the passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years.